random ramblings about the stuff and the thing

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I Really Should Have Thought This Through


At five years old, I gave one of my Trolls a particularly striking Mohawk haircut. Hairdresser of the Year, I was not – so I couldn’t wait for his radiant pink locks to grow back. Much to my horror and disappointment, they never did.

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A Letter to My Younger Self


Dear 12 year old me, I have some good news and some not-so good news about the next 17 years. Where shall I begin?

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Dear Jessica, I Like When Men Wear Glitter


Dear Jessica, I was happy to learn in your last letter that your Queen says you can have Halloween in England and wear costumes and everything! Is that why Elton John went on The Muppet Show dressed like a space princess?

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Dear Angie, My Brother Ripped Tiny Tears’ Head Clean Off


Meet my big brother – Chris. When I was seven years old – he decapitated my Tiny Tears doll. One day I might find it in my heart to forgive him.

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Pearls of Wisdom Just for You (No Need to Thank Me)


Someone really ought to learn from my mistakes, so please consider the following life lessons my gift to you. You’re welcome.

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I Think I Owe My Parents an Apology


Dear Mum and Dad, Methinks I owe you something of an apology for the last 29 years.

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Bees Clearly Have Anger Management Issues

Jess 023

It turns out that multicoloured glitter is an unsatisfactory substitute for fairy dust; even if next door’s Saint Bernard is there to break your fall.

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They Really Should Warn You About Such Things


We embarked on a top secret mission to make him happier than Mr Happy, in his happy shoes, eating happy cake, dosed up on happy pills, riding a happy hippo, on a particularly happy day in Happyville.

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Dear Jessica, My Barbie Likes Outsider Art


Dear Jessica, My Barbie likes Outsider Art. She is a collector of fine things like giraffe drawings, gold stuff, lacey underwear and my mom’s earrings. She also has shiny pink pants.

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En Route to World Domination via Crazyville


I had one major problem growing up and his name was Oliver. I was utterly convinced that as my big brother, he was put on this Earth solely to make me look bad.

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