At five years old, I gave one of my Trolls a particularly striking Mohawk haircut. Hairdresser of the Year, I was not – so I couldn’t wait for his radiant pink locks to grow back. Much to my horror and disappointment, they never did.
Someone really ought to learn from my mistakes, so please consider the following life lessons my gift to you. You’re welcome.
I had one major problem growing up and his name was Oliver. I was utterly convinced that as my big brother, he was put on this Earth solely to make me look bad.
If only we could maintain our childhood innocence forever. We’d be delighted to win a jam sandwich at the Olympics.
In addition to perfecting my evil dictator laugh, I have begun working on ideas to expand my readership. With this in mind, I foolishly decided to make a video log (or “vlog”).I hope my debut vlogging experience can be used as a cautionary tale, for anyone else crazy enough to even think about trying.
There are several things that with hindsight, I wish they had taught me in school. Here’s my top ten: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GORGEOUS YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. I don’t expect you to understand – you’ll only realise this in 15 years time, when you’re older, fatter and less firm.
Someone really ought to learn from my mistakes, so please consider the following life lessons my gift to you: No matter how much your brother tries to convince you – it is never cool to staple your own thumb.