September 3, 2012

Dear Jessica, My Barbie Likes Outsider Art

I have many talents: Tripping over my own feet, dying my hair 12 shades away from the intended colour, fake-tanning the palms of my hands, burning toast and skipping. There are more, but I don’t wish to boast.

You’d think with skills like that – I could turn my hand to anything; but no. Ever since the great GI Joe – microwave incident of 1987, I have not considered myself a convincing liar. No matter how hard I tried to convince my mum that GI Joe entered the microwave of his own accord – she was having none of it.

So imagine my surprise recently when my chum Angie and I received such fabulous comments about the ‘adorable’ pen pal letters we wrote when we were seven – having actually written them a little more recently. Like, yesterday.

I assure you – we never intended to weave such a wicked web of lies. It turns out we are just better liars than I anticipated – which gives me hope for later today – when I have to explain that iron-shaped scorch mark on my husband’s favourite shirt.

For the latest exciting instalment in the Dear Angie / Dear Jessica series – 1989-Angie explains to 1989-Jessica why Barbie really shouldn’t date Richard Simmons. For the record – I wholly concur.

September 1, 1982

Dear Jessica,

How are you? I am fine still. How are your brothers? Tell them I said hi and that I have a brother too. Your brother Joe looks nice. Is he mean?

Thank you for your letter! I was so happy when I got it that I forgot to close the mailbox door and my mom yelled at me.

I liked your drawing of Snoopy and a dolphin jumping on a rainbow. I think Snoopy would like dolphins if he saw them. I know he likes rainbows. Do you think dolphins would like Snoopy if he held back his ears so they would think he was a dolphin like them? Sometimes I push down my dog Bandit’s ears so he looks like a seal. A seal is kind of like a dolphin but they have fur you can pet. Do you like seals?

Thank you for the bracelet! I hung your drawing of the giraffe in my Barbie’s house.

My Barbie likes Outsider Art. She is a collector of fine things like giraffe drawings, gold stuff, lacey underwear and my mom’s earrings. She also has shiny pink pants. She can wear them because she doesn’t have to bend a lot. Do you have Ken? I don’t like Ken. You can’t brush his hair because it’s plastic. I saw a Ken once with real hair you can brush and he looked like Richard Simmons. I like Richard Simmons but I don’t think he’s right for Barbie. They both wear shiny pink pants but maybe they should just be friends.

My Barbie’s house is not real. It’s just an orange crate we got from Florida but it looks like a house. I thought I should explain that so you didn’t get jealous. The orange crate house doesn’t have a pink elevator or anything but it’s a good place for her to sleep and practice her modeling.

I think you would make a nice princess if William says you can marry him. My neighbor’s name is William and he mows his lawn really loud.

I can’t be a princess but I can be President of America if I’m 35 and I wear suits and shake people’s hands and junk like that. Does Margaret Thatcher do all that?

I have enclosed more Kool-Aid for your dog. My dog eats cat poop and moths but maybe those things taste like Kool-Aid. My chapstick tastes like Kool-Aid. If you try some Kool-Aid, you’ll know what my chapstick tastes like.