Dear Jessica, Gonzo is a Tool
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if you go to the supermarket without a jot of make-up on, with your hair scraped back, remnants of broccoli between your teeth and still wearing yesterday’s knickers – you will bump in to someone you know.
I was in a similar state of disrepair recently during a chance encounter with my childhood pen pal Angie. I would have taken my usual course of action and hidden behind the Coco Pops, had we met in the breakfast aisle at Asda – and not online. God bless the internet.
Yes, that’s right, purely by chance, I bumped into my childhood writing buddy Angie – when I discovered her delightfully charming and nostalgic blog Childhood Relived. I didn’t realise it was her at first, but there can only be so many girls in the world named Angie, who wore Wonder Woman underwear as outerwear, faked diary entries for dramatic purposes and ate play-doh because it tasted so good.
Can you believe we actually kept our old letters? Here is the very first one Angie sent to me in 1982, at the tender age of seven. I wrote back to her in 1989, when I too was seven. Don’t question the maths; it’s all something to do with the space-time continuum. You wouldn’t understand.June 27, 1982
My name is Angie. I live in the U.S.A. I am seven. How are you? I am fine.
Do you have a hobby? I like to ride my bike and roller skate. I collect scratch-and-sniff stickers. I enclosed some for you. They smell good but don’t eat them because they taste just like the regular kind of stickers. My other hobby is playing with my cat Mittens. I like to put her paw in my mouth and pretend to bite it until she meows.
Do you like to watch movies? Have you seen The Great Muppet Caper? I liked it. Fozzie Bear makes a funny joke and Miss Piggy gets mad and Gonzo is a tool. I hope that won’t spoil it for you.
My favorite foods are hotdogs, frosting and bananas dipped in Kool-Aid powder. I also like food that comes in tubes. Do you have anything to eat besides porridge? My favorite singer is Dolly Parton. She has big boobs. Sometimes I put my knees inside my nightgown and pretend I have big boobs. My favorite song is Bette Davis Eyes. My favorite colors are, in order 1.) rainbows, 2.) pink and 3) glitter – but only the glitter that looks like rainbows.
In America you can be anything you want to be. I want to be a waitress. I like putting food on plates and carrying them. What do you want to be? Can you be a princess if you want? Do you know Princess Diana? Is she nice? I saw her get married one time.
What is it like in England? Why do you have a queen? Does she wear lots of dresses and jewels? Does she cut off your head sometimes?
I hope you are not mad about George Washington still. My teacher said he cut down a cherry tree and made England mad because they wanted to eat the cherries too. And then we got mad and then we threw your tea bags into some water and made a lot of tea and that made you madder. My mom drinks tea and she is nice. She lets me stay up late and watch people kissing on TV.
Besides a mom, I also have a dad and a dog named Bandit and then the cat named Mittens I told you about earlier. I have a brother named Tony who is 12. He can draw Hulk Hogan really good.
Well, I hope to hear from you soon and I hope you like rainbows!
Your friend who lives in America,
Angie, age 7
P.S. Do you like dolphins? Do you like them as much as rainbows?