Job Centre Etiquette Courtesy of the Great Unwashed
Having spent the last 3 months unemployed, I can now verify that I really don’t make a very good jobless hobo. It seems good breeding and a decent education go against me.
If I were to suspend all of my self-respect and decency, then I’m pretty sure I’d master it. 
Several members of the long-term jobless elite have kindly educated me about Job Centre etiquette. I figured it was about time they did something productive. I believe it goes a little something like this:
Personal Hygiene
Avoid soap for at least 3 weeks prior to every appointment. 
Dress Code
Don’t even think about wearing anything tailored.
Ladies: An ill-fitting vest top is to be accompanied by leopard print velour jogging bottoms or leggings. Awe-inspiring golden hoop earrings are a must. Hair should resemble a pineapple. 
Gents: Jeans must be ripped and worn alongside, or just below the buttocks in order to flash underpants. 
Take the initiative to get something meaningful shaved into your head. 
If not, then at least have the decency to wear a baseball cap indoors.
Work Ethic
Do not under any circumstances actively seek work.
Interpersonal Skills
Job Centre staff are now fluent in mumble and grunt. Don’t waste your energy trying to connect with them. Avoid all eye contact. Speak to the floor. Finish each sentence with “innit bruv” or “know what I’m sayin’?”
Attitude
Negativity goes a long way. Kick up a fuss when your appointment runs 3 minutes late. 
You have a pressing engagement with your dealer after all.
Upon reflection, methinks I’ll cling on to my remaining self-respect and decency by continuing to seek work by honest means.
Oh – and I really must bin those hoop earrings.