12 Circumstances Where Lying is Imperative
Contrary to popular belief – honesty is not always the best policy. Sometimes telling the truth merely results in you being punched in the face. So occasionally, circumstances arise where little white lies or blatant omissions of the truth are called for. Here’s my top 12:
1. “Does my bum look big in this?”
No. No. No. No. The answer is always “no”. Her bottom may look like the rear end of a rhino, but the answer is still no. Hesitate at your peril.
2. “What do you think? Fabulous isn’t he?”
Your friend’s new beau might have spent the entire evening staring at your cleavage and groping your arse, but it’s probably best to hold back from telling her immediately that he’s a complete penis.
3. “Mummy, where did I come from?”
The stork / cabbage patch / pixies / tooth fairy / Jupiter. Anywhere but the icky truth. If that fails, go with the stock response: “Ask your father”.
The first date is not the time to educate your man about the difference between a clove and bulb of garlic.
Probably wise to postpone your first kiss ‘til the second date. (You’ll cook).
5. “Oh my God. I LOVE your shoes!”
Resist the temptation to divulge the fact you bought them on eBay for 75 pence.
If you manage this – tell me how.
6. “So, how do I look?”
Never tell your girlfriend she looks like a toilet brush. Unless you want her to be your ex-girlfriend.
7. “Isn’t he just the cutest baby you have ever, ever seen?”
Sometimes there are no words. Just smile and pretend not to be afraid.
8. “How nice to bump into you. It’s been too long – we absolutely must do lunch sometime soon”.
Your highly neurotic former work colleague clearly hasn’t noticed you unfriended her on Facebook. Probably best not to mention it. Just pencil her in your diary for the 12th of Never.
Your Grandma spent 3 months lovingly knitting you that hideous reindeer jumper. Be nice.
10. “Did you sleep well in the spare room?”
A bed of nails would have been a welcome upgrade on your mate’s sofa bed, but all they need to know is you “slept like a baby”*.
11. “How old do you think I am?”
12. “What do you think I should do?”
To mask the fact you stopped paying attention 8 minutes ago – just tell your beloved this is something only they can decide – and you fully support their decision, whatever that may be.
Even if she only wanted to know what you fancied for lunch.