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12 Circumstances Where Lying is Imperative

Contrary to popular belief – honesty is not always the best policy. Sometimes telling the truth merely results in you being punched in the face. So occasionally, circumstances arise where little white lies or blatant omissions of the truth are called for. Here’s my top 12:

1. “Does my bum look big in this?”

No. No. No. No. The answer is always “no”. Her bottom may look like the rear end of a rhino, but the answer is still no. Hesitate at your peril.

2. “What do you think? Fabulous isn’t he?”

Your friend’s new beau might have spent the entire evening staring at your cleavage and groping your arse, but it’s probably best to hold back from telling her immediately that he’s a complete penis.

If she hasn’t worked it out within a month, then draw a diagram. 

3. “Mummy, where did I come from?”

The stork / cabbage patch / pixies / tooth fairy / Jupiter.  Anywhere but the icky truth. If that fails, go with the stock response: “Ask your father”.

4. “I hope you like the meal. It’s the first time I’ve ever cooked bolognaise”.

The first date is not the time to educate your man about the difference between a clove and bulb of garlic.

Probably wise to postpone your first kiss ‘til the second date. (You’ll cook).

5. “Oh my God. I LOVE your shoes!”

Resist the temptation to divulge the fact you bought them on eBay for 75 pence.

If you manage this – tell me how.

6. “So, how do I look?”

Never tell your girlfriend she looks like a toilet brush. Unless you want her to be your ex-girlfriend.

7. “Isn’t he just the cutest baby you have ever, ever seen?”

Sometimes there are no words. Just smile and pretend not to be afraid.

This is what your friend sees.

This is what everyone else sees.

8. “How nice to bump into you. It’s been too long – we absolutely must do lunch sometime soon”.

Your highly neurotic former work colleague clearly hasn’t noticed you unfriended her on Facebook. Probably best not to mention it. Just pencil her in your diary for the 12th of Never.

9. “I do hope you liked your present”.

Your Grandma spent 3 months lovingly knitting you that hideous reindeer jumper. Be nice.

10. “Did you sleep well in the spare room?”

A bed of nails would have been a welcome upgrade on your mate’s sofa bed, but all they need to know is you “slept like a baby”*.

*With colic.

11. “How old do you think I am?”

Hint: If someone asks you this question – they are never as old as they look. Go 8 years younger and make their day. Don’t forget to employ your ‘shocked face’ when they disclose their actual age. 

12. “What do you think I should do?”

To mask the fact you stopped paying attention 8 minutes ago – just tell your beloved this is something only they can decide – and you fully support their decision, whatever that may be.

Even if she only wanted to know what you fancied for lunch.

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  • Sandra P.

    There sure are some ugly babies out there. Thank Darwin mine is a real cutesie!

    • jessseeker

      Good genes you see. ;)

  • http://cleohorton.wordpress.com/ Ruth

    so with you on the baby point.  Some really are scary!  :)

    • jessseeker

      It is wrong that someone so small call scare me so much! :S

    • jessseeker

      It is wrong that someone so small call scare me so much! :S

  • http://auroramorealist.wordpress.com/ Aurora

    funnnnnny – thanks! :)

    • jessseeker

      Thanks! Personally – I’d love some owl sandwiches with celery sticks and grapes, but I’m not entirely sure my husband would share my enthusiasm. ;)

  • Larry

    What’s the proper response, when your date turns to you midway through the movie and asks, “do you think Julia Roberts prettier than me?” 

    • jessseeker

      Think of the photo with Julia Roberts flashing her hairy armpits (Google it if not familiar) and then answer honestly “no”. If the answer is still yes, then you really need to find a new girlfriend. ;)

  • Savanah

    On scary babies – one of my old managers divulged this to me:  Whenever she sees a baby, and she just can’t bring herself to call it cute, she tells they parents that their baby is “so precious”.  Haha! 

    • jessseeker

      Ooh, I like that! Cunning! :)

  • http://smcwrites.wordpress.com/ Smcwrites

    I’ve always liked the whole well if you can get away with telling part of the truth it’s not really a lie, or just avoid telling people any thing you won’t have to not tell them the truth – lack of guilt through omission, that whole bit ;) it’s worked for me this far why give up now? Great post, and valuable advice about the babies! A coworker of mine recently said that when she was asked what she thought about a baby she said yes, it’s definitely a baby, lol! Well, that’s blunt and to the point – but I guess at least she wasn’t lying? 

    • jessseeker

      Ha! Brilliant! When in doubt – stick to the truth. :)

  • http://loveandlunchmeat.com/ Love and Lunchmeat

    I knew it!

    (That’s pretty much in response to all twelve, although I stopped asking my husband if my butt looked big years ago.)

    • jessseeker

      It’s far safer that way. That’s what Siri is for… :)