random ramblings about the stuff and the thing

12 Things You Really Don’t Want to Hear at a Dinner Party

1. “I could have sworn I had 10 fingers this morning. ‘Sausage Surprise’ anyone?” 

Oh drat. I’m all full-up from the Bloody Mary soup.

2. “You need to bite off the wichetty grub’s head first. Then you just suck out its insides”.

When you say “need” – is participation mandatory? 

3. “I might have mistaken washing powder for sugar. You may wish to give the trifle a miss”.

I think I’ll brave it. I’ve been looking for brilliant cleaning and long-lasting freshness for some time.

4. “Of course it’s vegetarian. Chicken is vegetarian, right?”

Don’t be an idiot. Fish however is fine.

5. “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I appear to have misplaced my pet caterpillar Dilbert. Who’s for side-salad?”

That’s terrible. What kind of name is Dilbert? 

6. “You’ll be fine, so long as you eat around the highly poisonous parts of your long-spine porcupinefish”.

I’m experiencing shooting pains down both sides and have just gone blind in one eye. Is that a bad sign?

7. “Is this how they cook food where you’re from?”

I spat in your starter.

8. “I’m a fruitarian. I only eat what naturally falls from the tree. Steak and marshmallows grow on trees, right? ”

Do me a favour – pass me your steak and let me beat you with it.

9. “I hope you don’t mind, but I couldn’t find a babysitter – so I brought along Candice, Chardonnay, Tia-Maria, Rocky and Tyson”.

Curious names. Are you familiar with the term ‘child abuse’?

10. “Is this triple chocolate caramel fudge cheesecake non-dairy and non-fat?”

Oh absolutely. Haven’t you heard? All food eaten on a Thursday is fat and dairy-free.

11. “Party games? I know LOTS of party games! Let’s start by throwing our keys into a bowl…”

Let’s start by showing you the door.

12. “Just updating Facebook. Does nauseating have one ‘S’ or two?”

Allow me to demonstrate by a show of fingers.

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  • http://littlemissobsessivesanatomy.wordpress.com littlemissobsessivesanatomy

    “Of course it’s vegetarian. Chicken is vegetarian, right?” ……..and number 7 & 8 were my fav :D
    “? All food eaten on a Thursday is fat and dairy-free.” oh how i wish this was true… ;) :P

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Can you imagine? You could fast through the week and wolf food down every Thursday! Bliss! :D

      Thanks!

  • http://theevolutionofeloquence.wordpress.com Leo Rex

    ROFLMAO this is hilarious i especially liked the last one lol

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thanks! I censored it for those of a delicate disposition ;)

  • http://gmbarlean.wordpress.com G M Barlean

    Oh. I NEED to eat that chocolate cheesecake. Fun post.

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Me too. Let’s wait ’til Thursday and eat it guilt free! ;) Thank you!

  • http://theway2fullconsciousness.wordpress.com veehcirra

    Chicken vegeterain…this is so funny!1

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thank you! I know several people who have asked that question! Quite worrying! :) People are funny – often without realising. :D

  • http://traveldestinationbucketlist.wordpress.com Anita Mac

    That is hilarious!!! I have to admit, every time I see a trifle, I think of the time on Friends when Rachel makes the trifle, including beef and peas – really – it’s a meal in one. With the soap powder, it cleans up too!!!! Awesome.

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      “It tastes of feet!”
      Joey: “I like it!” ;)

      Thanks! :)

  • http://ramblingsandrumblings.wordpress.com speaker7

    I think pink slime falls naturally from the trees so the fruitarian is in luck.

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Ooh, yum yum, pink slime!

  • http://psychobabblepants.wordpress.com Lyssapants

    I sense that you have a thing for blowfish. No further comment.

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Worrying isn’t it? I wonder what Freud would have to say…

      • http://psychobabblepants.wordpress.com Lyssapants

        He’d have something to say (or smoke) alright…

  • http://islandmonkeys.wordpress.com Sandra Parsons

    *Sigh*, I wish I’d know more fruitarians. More steak for me.

    As to cruel children’s names, I recently found out what could possibly move people to try and name their offspring Gastritis. Thankfully it wasn’t allowed. In Germany that is…

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      I’m glad there are laws to protect such children! Gastritis? Surely not! :S

  • http://thegingerbreadcafe.wordpress.com gingerbreadcafe

    Have you been sampling your brothers cooking again?! ;)

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Ha! Never again! ;)

  • http://fromthepews.org From The Pews

    You forgot,

    “Oh, I see you brought her/him”

    Meaning You :P

    and yes, the appropriate response is the showing with fingers again :D

    God Love Ya ♥

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Oh yes – good one. Fingers are surprisingly appropriate at such dinner parties. Who knew?

      • http://fromthepews.org From The Pews

        I know, Right!