random ramblings about the stuff and the thing

The 10 Commandments of Facebook

1. Thou Shalt Not Document Thy Every Move.

“Just got out of bed. Dreamt about being a pufferfish”. [0 Comments].

“Breakfast”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“On bus”. [0 Comments].

“At work. Photocopier broken”. [0 Comments].

“Lunch”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“Work update: Photocopier fixed”. [0 Comments].

“On bus again. Old man sitting next to me smells of socks”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“Walking from bus to my house”. [0 Comments].

“I wonder what I should have for tea”. [1 Comment: “Cyanide” (32 Likes)].

“Chicken nuggets, chips and peas. Yum yum”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“Jam roly-poly for dessert”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“Off to bed. Night night homies”. [0 Comments].

2. Thou Shalt Not Use Stupid Apps and then Invite Others to Use Said Apps.

I will throw an actual sheep at the next person who invites me to join FarmVille. 

Don’t think I’m joking.

3. Thou Shalt Not ‘Friend’ Thy Mother or Thy Boss.

Pictures of you dressed as Hitler will not impress them.

Status updates like “Dude, last night was so funked* up. Did anyone return the llama?” are also unlikely to put you in line for promotion. 

Also, if you really don’t want your mother to see the dodgy tattoo on your left buttock, then it is probably wise not to moon your best friend when he’s armed with a camera.

4. Thou Shalt Not Create a Group, Then Send Thirty-Two Thousand Frickin’ Messages.

“Hi guys,

I thought I’d message you again, just to say – there’s still no update. Once I have an update, I’ll let you know, but if I don’t hear anything then I’ll get back to you within 30 minutes”.

5. Thou Shalt Not ‘Friend’ People Thou Dost Not Know.

Nobody has 36,792 friends. Not even the cast of Friends.

6. Thou Shalt Not Air Thy Dirty Laundry in Public.

“You think you know someone, give them everything, then they funk* you over. Trust no one”.

There’s a time and a place for this sort of thing. You have 2 choices:

  1. In a quiet bar, with close friends.
  2. On national television with Jeremy Kyle.

*Censored for the women and children.

7. Thou Shalt Not Tag Friends in Incriminating Photos. Unless Thou Wanteth No Friends.

Your real concern however should be the ammunition your friends have against you.

Hot-pink leotards don’t look good on anyone – particularly 12 year old boys. Dancing to Madonna. With 7 girls. On stage. At Brownies.

8. Thou Shalt Not Divulge Too Much Information.

I am delighted that your baby made it here safely. Name, birth weight and “mother and baby doing well” will suffice. Details of the labour, how many centimetres dilated and reports that “it got a bit messy” are superfluous to requirements. I’m quite happy to maintain my belief that you found him or her in a cabbage patch. Thank you.

9. Thou Shalt Not Rant Chronically.

“I can’t believe the price of stamps have gone up by 10%! 10%!”

“God it’s hot. I hate this”.

“Freezing cold. Come back sun”.

In the words of Chandler Bing “My wallet’s too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight”.

10. Thou Shalt Not Contact Anyone Whilst Intoxicated. 

Never EVER declare your undying love or burning hatred to someone whilst inebriated.

Your spelling and grammar will be atrocious.

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  • http://dederants.wordpress.com dederants

    Reblogged this on DeDeRants and commented:
    11. Thou Shalt Not Tag Friends In Pictures That Have NOTHING To Do With Said People Being Tagged.
    It’s annoying, and it needs to STOP.

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Why thank you! I wholly concur! Why, why, why do they do it? ;)

  • http://www.diatribesandovations.com DiatribesAndOvations.com

    It’s about time someone put all this in writing! Great post!

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      You’re welcome! I started writing the 7 Deadly Sins, but Commandments seemed to work better. Glad you like it! Thanks! :)

  • http://psychobabblepants.wordpress.com Lyssapants

    Amen.

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Best. Reply. Ever! :)

      • http://childhoodrelived.wordpress.com Angie Z.

        Agreed.

  • http://ramblingsandrumblings.wordpress.com speaker7

    Some person on Facebook wrote “Great minds think alike” after posting a picture of her Farmville animal eating breakfast.

    Evidence: http://ramblingsandrumblings.wordpress.com/2012/04/11/facebook-facepalm/

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Speaker7, you have just confirmed what I already knew: You are a god’dam genius! Excellent work. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I concur!

  • http://funandfabulousness.wordpress.com Elisa

    Priceless! So funny and all right on the mark.
    :)

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thanks! I might have disowned a few people for not abiding by the above. Quite rightly methinks. ;)

      • http://funandfabulousness.wordpress.com Elisa

        Ha! We all have our moments!

  • http://terry1954.wordpress.com terry1954

    good one!

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thank you! High five! ;)

  • http://muddledmom.wordpress.com muddledmom

    A bright spot in my day. I haven’t even checked Facebook, for obvious reasons.

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Probably wise. Try to avoid people who lose llamas… ;)

      Thank you!

  • http://www.clickclickshutterbug.wordpress.com shutterbug

    so what is one to do on facebook if not all of the above? (except for tagging irrelevant people and inviting them to endless apps) ??

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      I heard a rumour about social networking. Whatever that is… ;)

      • http://www.clickclickshutterbug.wordpress.com shutterbug

        hahahah! :)

  • http://gmbarlean.wordpress.com G M Barlean

    I have some very specific people I would very much like to send this to. Great post.

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Oh please do. Anonymously perhaps? ;)

  • http://smcwrites.wordpress.com smcwrites

    Further to the airing of the dirty laundry – thou shall not get mad when thou airs their dirty laundry and people ask questions about it, if you post about it, don’t get mad when people want to know more. I’ve never understood that logic on facebook – if it’s private, why did you post it? I guess that was my first mistake, bringing logic on to facebook ;)

    Also I think that picture of the sheep made my whole day.

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      So true!
      “Some men are just complete wonkers” (censored).
      “Everything okay?”
      “I don’t want to talk about it”.
      !! ;)

  • http://savanahprose.wordpress.com savanahprose

    Oooooh goodness! Thumbs up for this! I have this FB friend who continually updates about how tired she is, from her phone, in the wee hours of the morning. Get off your phone, stop uselessly checking/updating FB for no reason, and GO TO SLEEP.

    Don’t forget the vague, “You are such a cow/tramp/b*tch, I hate you, you know who you are!” type statuses. I hate those!!

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thank you! Sadly, she’s not the only one. Nobody sleeps in a quiet room anymore, then they wonder why.

      I overlooked vagueness. Excellent point, bravo.

  • http://islandmonkeys.wordpress.com Sandra Parsons

    Yeah, the cryptic ones that beg for others to ask what’s wrong, those get my goat. Or sheep. Or llama. “Sometimes the universe just seems to be picking on me.”

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Llama! Tee hee! Yes, the entire Universe. Because you matter that much ;)

  • http://karmatruck.wordpress.com mimijk

    Best blog EVER,!

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Mimi, you say the nicest things! Thank you! :)

  • http://littlemissobsessivesanatomy.wordpress.com littlemissobsessivesanatomy

    “I wonder what I should have for tea”. [1 Comment: “Cyanide” (32 Likes)].
    after reading this one i guess i couldnt control my laughter for long time becasue the guy working next to me turned his neck twice towards me..

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Ha! Brilliant! You should have referred it to my blog. :) He probably just thought you were a little crazy. I get that a lot…

      • http://littlemissobsessivesanatomy.wordpress.com littlemissobsessivesanatomy

        funny thing happened today and it reminded me of your post…
        last night there was a bad thunderstorm and many trees and electricity pole went down…one tree fell on my boss’s Audii…so he writes on his FB about tree smashing his Audii’s window and many people liked it…hahahaha :D

        • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

          Methinks a few people are very ‘like’ happy! ;)

  • http://fromthepews.org From The Pews

    Ahhhhh….

    That, my Dear, is a sigh of Relief!! :D

    Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!

    I needed my does of Jessseeker!!

    AND Thank you for THIS Post!! I will be sharing over and over again ;)

    God Love Ya ♥♥

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Bless you. Thank you so much for the love! I am not deserving of all this praise! :) You are fabulous! ♥

  • http://fromthepews.org From The Pews

    Reblogged this on From The Pews and commented:
    One can ALWAYS count on jessseeker for a laugh AND Wisdom ;)

    Hope you Enjoy this as much as I DO!!!

    • http://fromthepews.org From The Pews

      Also did it on Facebook!! HA HAHAHAHAAAAAAAA
      And Twitter ;)

      • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

        You may just be my biggest fan. ;) Thank you!!

  • http://teachcatholic.wordpress.com TJ Burdick

    Is there a facebook confessional for all of us who have committed sins against these commandments? If so, is Mark Zuck. ordained to give us penance?

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      I should think so. I’m pretty sure you can get a certificate on Ebay for that sort of thing. ;)

    • http://outofsinkink.wordpress.com outofsinkink

      Yes; he’s probably the best option you’ve got, too. If that doesn’t work, that only leaves long-shots Nancy Grace and one’s own mother for penance-giving.

  • http://sonelscorner.wordpress.com/ Sonel

    LOL! Absolutely hilarious! Great stuff! :)

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thanks! Can’t stop, I’m off to find a llama…

      • http://sonelscorner.wordpress.com/ Sonel

        Whahahahahha! OMG! Now I am screaming with laughter and everyone in the house is fast asleep! Shame on you! LOL!

        • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

          It’s okay – I found him. Tied to a lamppost – no eyebrows… ;)

          • http://sonelscorner.wordpress.com/ Sonel

            Whahahahahahaha! OMG! What happened to his eyebrows? Too much Facebook? LOL!

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  • http://childhoodrelived.wordpress.com Angie Z.

    It’s just plain awesome that you and Speaker7 wrote witty rules about Facebook use on roughly the same day! It’s like all my prayers have been answered!

    I couldn’t agree more on all of these. I want to throw a 2-minute-old cow pie at the head of the dumbass who invented FarmVille. And #4 should translate to group reply-all emails.

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Cow pie! Why didn’t I think of that? Drat and double drat!

      Thank you Angie! Much respect to Speaker7. A veritable library of awesomeness!

  • http://sonelscorner.wordpress.com/ Sonel

    Reblogged this on Sonel's Photographic Corner and commented:
    Absolutely hilarious! Thanks to From the Pews for reblogging this funny lady’s blog I am now sitting here at 11:39pm LMAO! :)

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      A thousand thank yous! :) Here – have a llama…

      • http://sonelscorner.wordpress.com/ Sonel

        Whahahahaha! Oooh…the one without the eyebrows! Thanks! LOL!

  • http://collinesblog.wordpress.com Colline

    Hilarious and so true! :D

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thank you! I have an awful lot of annoying people to thank for this post. ;)

  • http://colonialist.wordpress.com colonialist

    But I thought doing everything you say not to was part of the essential conduct for Facebooking – or shortly when being a Tweetering Twit?

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      So long as you’re happy for all of your friends to disown you – feel free to continue doing such things. ;)

      • http://colonialist.wordpress.com colonialist

        Friends? What friends? :)

  • http://wheresmytbackandotherstories.wordpress.com wheresmytbackandotherstories

    Reblogged this on where'smyT-backandotherstories and commented:
    I’m stealing this from jesseeker. She’s so hilarious! She wrote down things I wished I did about the many reasons why I do not spend as much time on Facebook anymore.

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Steal away! I’m very flattered! Thank you! :D Now have you seen my llama?

  • http://wheresmytbackandotherstories.wordpress.com wheresmytbackandotherstories

    This is so hilarious, I re-blogged this even before I could ask your permission I’ve been spending less and less time on Facebook. I think the novelty has worn off.

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Novelty? What novelty? I spend 24 hours a day messaging people I don’t know… ;)

  • http://marsk4angel75.wordpress.com marsk4angel75

    Reblogged this on marsk and commented:
    this is to funny to not reblog it:)

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thank you! Thanks for sharing the sheep – and the llama! :)

  • http://marsk4angel75.wordpress.com marsk4angel75

    Thank u for this real funny Facebook ”rules”….heheh, i reblogged ur 10 commandments inhere and want to add this, some ppl in Fcaebook use this to show their concern about whats going on in the world, if earth or human…. but mostly i see the social twats and twits, still if ppl are content why not?//….. but still its real hillarious to see Facebook by ur 10 nice ones…..:)

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      You’re welcome. ;) How shrewd of you to notice. So true! Thanks!

  • http://jmgoyder.wordpress.com jmgoyder

    This is brilliant!

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thanks! I think the pufferfish pushed it up from mediocre. ;)

      • http://jmgoyder.wordpress.com jmgoyder

        ha!

  • http://feistyredhair.wordpress.com feistyredhair

    Reblogged this on Feisty Red Hair and commented:
    She hits the nail on the head with some of my own Facebook-related pet peeves, primarily those of the “diarrheaists”, who share far too much information online, primarily personal!

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thank you red headed maiden! I love that term: diaeeheaists! You are brilliant! :)

      • http://feistyredhair.wordpress.com feistyredhair

        It’s not my term, unfortunately. I saw it on a friend’s FB page yesterday and it made an impression!

  • http://inigobautista.wordpress.com Iñigo

    Funny! :D

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thank you! I’m sure you shared my delight that the photocopier got fixed mid-afternoon. ;)

  • http://personalconcerns.wordpress.com Personal Concerns

    Actual sheep…lol!

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      I couldn’t decide whether to include that comment or not as feared retribution from sheep lovers everywhere. As yet – no hate mail.

      Thank you!

      • http://personalconcerns.wordpress.com Personal Concerns

        It has kept me grinning all day! believe me! :P

  • http://hopethehappyhugger.wordpress.com thehappyhugger

    This is excellent!

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thank you! I’d like to dedicate it to all those lost llamas out there. ;)

  • http://theurgetowander.wordpress.com Madhu

    Hilarious! Trying to figure out how many people I will alienate if I share this on FB! Doing it anyway :-)

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Excellent! Lots I hope! They might get the hint. ;)

  • http://rackthenerves.wordpress.com nerveracking

    Haha again; another brilliant blog!

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Why thank you! :) I still can’t find my llama.

  • http://theretiringsort.wordpress.com The Retiring Sort

    I actually hide all posts from a few people because they tweet on Facebook – and was thrilled when one discovered Twitter and stopped using FB for this!
    It’s also scary the things people put out there for all to see unprotected – Hey, kids – when your friends comment on your posts, all their friends see them!
    Thanks for a thoughtful, funny post!

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Maybe they should attend an evening class to learn about social networking? I’m pretty sure the above commandments could be incorporated into the curriculum! ;)

      Thank you! :)

  • http://chanceofsun.wordpress.com Arizona girl

    Agree x 10! Although I will have to admit that I’m pretty insulated from much of what goes on in Facebook – I only remember to check what’s going on every couple of weeks. Then I realize that I didn’t miss much.

    Good luck with the llama…. :)

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    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thank you! Fame at last! ;)

  • http://outofsinkink.wordpress.com Tate the Great

    Regarding the third commandment:

    That occasional trusting Facebooker who has friended not only his mother and his boss, but also his MOTHER’S BOSS is at the most terrible disadvantage in social networking…especially if he has a habitually inappropriate friend.

    “Dude, remember that one time when you got so wasted you peed from the top of that tree? Man, I miss high school. Good times bro. Good times.”

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Do you get that a lot? ;) I hear it’s surprisingly common.

      • http://outofsinkink.wordpress.com Tate the Great

        Ha ha! Replace “high school” with “last weekend”, and unfortunately, yes. Yes I do. :) My mom knows better than to friend me on Facebook.

        • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

          Ha! Wise woman. Mine doesn’t… ;)

  • http://pearlscloset.wordpress.com mrssin

    Hi there! This post is hilarious! May I get permission to reblog it? A million thanks in advance. :)

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Absolutely! Reblog away! :) Thank you!

  • http://pearlscloset.wordpress.com mrssin

    Reblogged this on Pearl's Closet and commented:
    Whe I read this post, I thought I ought to share this with you all!

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thank you! Spread the word! :D

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