random ramblings about the stuff and the thing

Face to Faux with The Hoff

David Hasselhoff needs to explain himself. I still don’t have a talking car named Kitt and who on earth gave him permission to sing? Let’s see what he had to say for himself in this week’s instalment of Face to Faux:

Jessseeker: May I call you David? Or do you prefer ‘The Hoff’?

Hoff: ‘The Hoff Father’ is fine.

Jessseeker: Knight Rider rocked. Did you find your role as Michael Knight demanding?

Hoff: It was tough. You have no idea how tough. I had to talk to a car – and a watch.

Jessseeker: You also achieved huge success and notoriety with Baywatch.

It was well received internationally and has been shown in over 140 countries around the world. According to the Guinness Book of World Records it is the most watched TV show in the world. What do you think was the key to its phenomenal success?

Hoff: I believe the camera photographs your aura, and it also photographs your heart. If you look at Baywatch, everyone on that show had a great heart.

Jessseeker: Yes, that’s certainly why my brothers watched it. For Pamela Anderson’s heart.

Moving on – did you nick the baseline from the YMCA for your hit Crazy for You?

Hoff: I really have no idea what you’re talking about. Stop talking. Don’t hassle the Hoff.

Jessseeker: So, whilst we’re on the topic of bad music – what is the most embarrassing album you have ever owned?

Hoff: Probably my first album, ‘Night Rocker’. It was awful! It sold six copies, I bought five. It was number one in Austria though. Wherever that is.

Jessseeker: With a reported fortune of over $100,000,000, have you ever considered investing in singing lessons?

Hoff: Why bother? The Hoff’s got talent. I’m huge in Germany.

Jessseeker: In May 2007, a home video clip surfaced of you not looking your best. It showed your drunken attempt to eat a cheeseburger on the floor of a Las Vegas hotel room. Where were your table manners?

Hoff: I’d left them at home, along with my sanity. It was a low point. So were the many photo shoots in which I wore nothing but a black thong and a smile. I can only apologise.

Jessseeker: I couldn’t help but notice – the personalised photo prints of you on your website have been marked down in price. Are you disappointed by the lack of demand for images of you in a camp fur-lined robe?

Hoff: I felt there was a gap in the market. Turns out, there wasn’t.

Jessseeker: Final question then Hoff Father. Would you agree that your cameo appearance in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie was the pinnacle of your career?

Hoff: It’s a close call, but I’d say being serenaded by David Johnson on America’s Got Talent just beat it. He offered to spoon me the whole night through – even if I had the flu.

Life just doesn’t get better than that. Well, maybe if I had a cheeseburger…

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  • http://rackthenerves.wordpress.com nerveracking

    This is mindblowingly hilarious haha! Awesome

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Well I don’t know about that, but I’m delighted you approve. Thank you so much! Glad you enjoyed it!

      I interviewed Simon Cowell last week. He’s a lot shorter than he looks on tv. ;)

  • http://gmbarlean.wordpress.com G M Barlean

    You know, the Hoff was attractive in his day…if you like that big German jaw kind of thing. This blog post made me go look up pictures of him in his youth. Too much hair and manliness for me, personally. I love the faux interviews. Quite a bit of fun.

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Thank you! It is easy to forget that he was something of a looker in his day. Especially now that he resembles something that’s been left out in the sun too long and melted. (Not good). I’m glad you’re liking the interviews. Feel free to submit an interviewee request! Preferably someone global and very annoying / controversial. ;)

  • http://childhoodrelived.wordpress.com Angie Z.

    Holy crap, you’ve outdone yourself. This was so amazing that it broke my heart and made me cry real tears due to the fact that I did not write this myself.

    Is this interview real? It feels so real I can taste it. It tastes like salt water. Salt water from the ocean washing over The Hoff’s sun-weathered body and salt water from the tears washing over me as I cry for my inadequacy as a pop culture historian who has never herself interviewed The Hoff.

    Crazy for You is perhaps the crappiest unauthorized remake of a legitimately great song since Ice Ice Baby. And I thank you for sharing this with me.

    • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

      Dearest Angie,

      That has to be the BEST blog comment in the history of the world. I reposted it on Facebook and shall endeavour to include it on my revised CV.

      You are ruddy marvellous. Never change.

      • http://childhoodrelived.wordpress.com Angie Z.

        Speaking of never change, I’m digging the new Gravatar even if it means you have in fact changed. I will like your blog on Facebook now before I forget.

        • http://childhoodrelived.wordpress.com Angie Z.

          Upon further inspection, I have no ides if your Gravatar has changed or if my iPad is playing a trick on me? Please disregard and carry on with your never changing.

          • http://jessseeker.wordpress.com jessseeker

            Ha! Blonde moment? Despite being brunette, I suffer from them frequently… :D