There are several things that with hindsight, I wish they had taught me in school. Here’s my top ten: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GORGEOUS YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. I don’t expect you to understand – you’ll only realise this in 15 years time, when you’re older, fatter and less firm.
It is fair to say that growing up – I was a crazy moo. Smiley, happy and mad as a box of frogs. I also had the energy of a Duracell bunny – on acid. Then, at 15 years old – something changed. As an A* student, it was most out of character for me to fall asleep in my GCSE History exam.
I heard a vicious rumour that confession is good for the soul. With this in mind, I have decided to share my many crimes, faults and misdemeanours with the world. Brace yourselves.
Fortunately for me, the impact of most lapses in judgement is fleeting. Just imagine if every decision you made stayed with you forever.
Facing imminent redundancy from work, I have decided to do the only sensible thing and prepare an acceptance speech for my next role as British Prime Minister. There are the very small matters of starting up my own political party and getting elected for parliament to contend with first, but my mother reliably informs me – I’m a shoo-in.
Your mother’s body language in this situation was always key. With an eyebrow raised and arms crossed – the death stare was employed. That was your cue to return her Crown Jewels / put down the hammer / take your brother’s GI Joe out of the microwave.
The world is your lobster. Jumping in muddy puddles will keep you entertained for precisely 4 hours and 27 minutes. Half the time it takes to get you clean again.
Someone really ought to learn from my mistakes, so please consider the following life lessons my gift to you: No matter how much your brother tries to convince you – it is never cool to staple your own thumb.
I have some good news and some not-so good news about the next 17 years. Where shall I begin? I hate to be the one to break it to you, but as yet there’s still no sign of hoverboards. (That Michael J Fox has a lot to answer for).
There was a sweet little girl on the bus today, with big brown eyes, short curly auburn hair and a cheeky grin. She turned to her mother and said “When I grow up, I want to be a tomato”. What a brilliant suggestion, I thought. Why didn’t I think of that?